WEEK 9- Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

Dr. John Gottman, an expert on successful marriages, gives some keys to successfully addressing conflict in marriage in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. There are 5 things that aid in problem resolution. They are,

• 1.     Make sure your start up is soft rather than harsh.
• 2.    Learn the effective use of repair attempts.
• 3.     Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for warning signs of flooding.
• 4.   Learn how to compromise.
• 5.    Become more tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

We all have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. This can be true in marriage also. It’s dangerous to compare our marriage to another’s because we don’t see the whole picture. Comparison can create in us a “Why try attitude,” or we paly the “equalizing game” to justify our feelings. “It is much easier to recognize attributes and successes in others.” And, “we usually judge others when they are at their best and ourselves at our worst.” We may assume another’s marriage does not include negative emotions. Negative emotions are a part of all marriages and “Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better.” The key is to express these emotions in an acceptable way and to be receptive to your spouse’s expression of negative emotions. This can be done by, realizing that no one is ever right in a marriage conflict. Accepting your partner is also important. “When people feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they are unable to change . . . (so) communicate . . . acceptance of your partners personality.” And finally, focus on what you love about your partner, their positive qualities and their progression. We really aren’t here to compete with each other, the only competing we need to do is with ourselves.”

                         

This is a picture of my husband meeting a horse that my daughter and me love. My daughter has a passion for riding and for horses and I have encouraged and embraced this. This picture says so much to me! It makes me smile. In following the information from Dr. Gottman, Blake’s indifference towards my daughters and my passion is not wrong. No one is ever right; we all just have differing points of view. Blake accepts our ideas, even to the point that he is willing to come and meet some of the horses (even though they make him nervous). I love that he will come watch our daughter practice even though the barn is dirty and smelly. I love that he is willing to spend a lot of money on this passion so that our daughter has an identity and a confidence. I adore my husband.

• ·      No one is ever right
• ·      Accepting your partner
• ·      Focus on what you love and their progression

Maybe this week we can all look for something in our spouses that we could be frustrated with and look at the positives; let’s look from our spouse’s point of view.

Bateman, A. (1994, September). Comparatively Speaking. Retrieved March 04, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/liahona/1984/09/comparatively-speaking?lang=eng

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown.