WEEK 4- Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

WEEK 4- Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

I enjoyed a talk that was given by Elder Bruce C. Hafen titled, Covenant Marriage. In this talk Elder Hafen chooses three topics that are represented by three wolves. These three wolves can kill a marriage and the reaction of the two people within a marriage towards these topics determines whether the marriage is contractual or covenantal. The word covenant has a few definitions and a compilation of two of these definitions is the best way to think of the word in this context. A covenant is, “an agreement, between two or more persons, to do or not do something.”  It is also, “a solemn agreement between the members of a church to act together in harmony with the precepts of the gospel.”

The three topics represented by wolves are, natural adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism. While being tried by one of all of these, a marriage can either prove that it is built on a strong foundation including God or that it is worldly and built on a weak foundation. Obviously each marriage is individual and each marriage has different trials to test its strength, but when it comes to our society as a whole, I see our own imperfections as the most detrimental to marriage.

I have seen many marriages break up around me including several close friends. In every case it has been human imperfections that have caused the divorce. On the outside it seemed my friends chose divorce because the husband was addicted to pornography. This was a huge hurdle for their relationship but he was in a treatment program and progressing towards health and the atonement. The wife could only see the negative in her husband and used this human imperfection as an excuse to place all of the blame because she wanted to leave the religion that they had built their marriage on. She too had human imperfections. People are human and people make mistakes. Our spouses will make mistakes (in the case of my friends, big mistakes). Some will be big and some will be small. As a couple, if our focus is not on God and eternal covenants we have made then it is easy to find fault in others. It is easy to focus on mistakes, sins, and weaknesses. If our focus is on God and our actions on improving ourselves, then through keeping our covenants and trying to be more like Jesus Christ each day, we will find the best in our spouses. We will see others as Jesus Christ sees them.

In my own life, to cast out the wolves mentioned in Elder Hafen’s talk, and to ensure that my marriage includes God, and is built on a strong foundation, I am going to focus on the positive attributes of my spouse and I am going to strive each day to keep the covenants that I made at marriage.

There is an old Cherokee parable that goes like this,

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

            The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” (Virtues for Life)

This parable can be applied to marriage as well. If, in marriage, people focus on the faults of their spouse, that is what they will likely notice; but if people focus on the God like attributes of their spouse, then that is what they will notice.

Hafen, B. C. (1999, October). Covenant Marriage. Retrieved January 24, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

Virtues for Life. (2016, June 05). Two Wolves. Retrieved January 24, 2017, from http://www.virtuesforlife.com/two-wolves/

WEEK 3- Threats to Marriage

Same sex marriage is a tough topic for me for a couple of reasons. It’s a tough topic all around for our society because it’s a hot topic. People are very opinionated and have a tendency to get too emotional and to be intolerant. There have been other topics like this in the past and we as a society have overcome so I know we can overcome on this one. For me, the best way to not add to the tension is to keep my own emotions in check if I am involved in a discussion about same sex marriage. Keeping my voice level and a smile on my face are two specific things that I can do. It is also important to keep confidence in my self.

I have had one occasion where the topic came up and I am a little ashamed to say that I did not stand for my beliefs in a way that fellow church members would find acceptable. About a year ago I was getting my hair done and the topic came up. My hairdresser said, “I personally just think every person should be allowed to love whomever they choose.” I had the opportunity to tell her my beliefs but I didn’t say anything. I will defend myself by explaining that I chose right to stay quiet because, at the time, I was not confident in my ideas and I certainly couldn’t voice an opinion when I wasn’t even sure how I felt.

This brings me to the second reason that same sex marriage is a tough topic for me. I completely understand the point of view of those for same sex marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I also completely understand the opposition and I agree with the Supreme Court judges who say that this is not a legal issue but a law making issue. I personally believe that it is wrong for anyone to be discriminated against because of race, religion, or sexual preference. So, I love that the church agrees and has supported housing laws and other laws that don’t allow discrimination against LGB’s.

Is it discrimination to deny someone marriage? Here is how I like to think of it. This is a moral issue and the problem with moral issues is that not everyone has the same beliefs; but with moral issues there has to be a line drawn somewhere. There has to be! What if there was a movement that said that it is discrimination to not allow two 14 year olds to marry, have sexual relations, and have children? It could even be a 14 year old and a 30 year old. Yes we scoff at the idea but there was a time where same sex marriage was unfathomable. What if these two people were completely consensual to the marriage and in fact they insisted that their rights were being violated? There has to be an end because if not the end result could be awful and disgusting.

I personally would never mistreat, harm or berate LGB’s but I also don’t want to be mistreated or berated for my belief that marriage is between one man and one woman. Same sex marriage is lawful and there is nothing we can do to change that but we can change the way we all treat each other and we know that we are to love our neighbor as ourselves.

WEEK 2- Marriage Trends and Divorce

While I cannot speak for the church, I can give my interpretation and beliefs. The church I belong to, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints does not have a specific stance on divorce. What I mean by that is that they do not give specific circumstances where divorce is acceptable and specific circumstances where divorce is not acceptable. A member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and a leader in the church, Elder James E. Faust, explained that just cause is not labeled or listed and that decision is for the participants in the relationship to decide but he warned against divorce and explained that it is usually not an acceptable outcome. It is not acceptable to get a divorce for reasons such as, “mental distress, personality differences, grown apart, and fallen out of love.” Elder Faust said, “a prolonged and an irredeemable relationship which is destructive to a persons dignity as a human” is the only time divorce is justified. Elder Dallin H. Oaks, another member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and leader in the church said, it is sometimes needful to have a divorce like when it is, “beyond hope of resuscitation.” Elder Oaks also explained that in most cases when there is discord in a marriage, “the remedy isn’t divorce but repentance. The cause is not incompatibility but selfishness.” These are strong words and would be hard for myself to hear if I were going through a divorce or if I had gone through one in the past. Because of this I think it is really important to explain to friends and others that this church and its leaders are loving. This is Jesus Christ’s church and obviously He is charitable. The very definition of charity is Christ like love. Elder Oaks also said that during the hard time of divorce the atonement is needed desperately. He explained that people who are experiencing troubled marriages and divorces don’t need to feel like they are doomed. He said, “Whatever the outcome and no matter how difficult your experience is, you have the promise that you will not be denied eternal family relationships if you love the Lord, keep His commandments, and just do the best you can.” Statistic show that divorce has a lot of negative outcomes for all of the family members and the church just wants people to be happy and fulfill their potential as sons and daughters of God.

         The interesting thing is that this is not just a religious idea that is being pushed upon all by a minority but the idea of stable marriage and avoiding divorce is a societal issue that is addressed in government reports. The National Marriage Project published a report called The State of Our Unions, Marriage in America 2012. They said, “Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution. Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times. Researchers are finding that the disappearance of marriage in Middle America is tracking with the disappearance of the middle class in the same communities.” There are numerous studies that show children of divorced parents are likely to have emotionally and physically health problems. This same report explains that there are monetary consequences to divorce as well. “A modest reduction in divorce would benefit more than 400,000 U.S. children each year and would produce significant savings for U.S. taxpayers.

         I understand that marriage is hard and loved ones do hurtful things. I am just trying to add to the idea that marriage is worth working at and worth saving in our lives.

Faust, J. E. (1993, May). Father, Come Home. Retrieved January 11, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/04/father-come-home?lang=eng

Oaks, D. H. (2007, May). Divorce. Retrieved January 11, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng

University of Virginia. (n.d.). The State of Our Unions Marriage in America 2012. doi:http://nationalmarriageproject.org

This is my first post and my first blog ever! I have created this blog for a requirement for a Marriage and Family class that I am taking for my college degree. I am majoring in Marriage and Family Studies and then plan to go on and get my masters degree, an MSW. My ultimate goal is to be a counselor for un-wed mothers. Through the knowledge I gain from this class and from other classes I take for my major, I hope to help others who are struggling through difficult times in their lives. I want to help others gain confidence, self love, and mainly a knowledge of Jesus Christ and His love for them.