WEEK 13- Transitions in Marriage: In-Law Relations

In the Old Testament, Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.” In the New Testament in Mark 10:7-8 it says, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh.” 

Cleave is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as, “To remain attached, devoted, or faithful to.” This wise council usually isn’t hard for the love struck newlyweds but it can be hard for each of their parents. “Parents need to give up previous roles they had with their children to allow the new couple to be independent” (Hart, 2005, p. 329). When I married at a young age, I was dependent on my mother for emotional support during trials, but my parents were very aware of their boundaries and were very careful to encourage my new husband and I to turn toward one another. On the other hand, my in-laws had a tendency to overstep boundaries with decision-making, control, and influence. This was not a demand on our time but a demand on my husband’s loyalties. They wanted to maintain influence on their child.

At the time, I was not able to put words and specific thoughts to the problems we were encountering, I just knew I was upset and the emotions were very real.  For many years in our marriage I felt threatened. I felt very insecure because I was not the main person giving feedback on important decisions. At one point my in-laws even felt comfortable planning where we would live without consulting me. I also felt they were intrusive upon the labor and delivery of our first child. This was not the only emotional roadblock in the relationship between my parents-in-law and myself. I received some criticism about my parenting styles as well.

Elder Ashton said, “Certainly a now married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness protection comfort and total support but leaving father and mother . . . was never intended that they now be ignored abandoned shunned or deserted” (Ashton, 1973, p. 1). My husband is a peacemaker and this is one of the things that is endearing about him. I know it was a hard position for him and he felt torn trying to make all parties feel happy and secure. But, Elder Ashton went on to say, “Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families’ realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition but in love, concern, and encouragement” (Ashton, 1973, p.1).

My in laws had no idea what they were doing to me and they still do not understand the distress they caused me. I would have silly nightmares. Silly because dreams are usually unrealistic but nightmares because they were full of frustration, hurt and anger. In these dreams my husband would decide something of importance without my input and do as his parents instructed. I would angrily cry and say, “But I’m your wife!”

It has been many years since I experienced overstepping in-laws, but I still have feelings of resentment I am trying to overcome. I am emotionally distant from them. Once the wedge has been pounded in, it is harder to remove than one would think. A better choice is to not put a wedge in the relationship in the first place. “The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship” (Hart, 2005, p. 328).

I do not have married kids yet and I am sure it is hard to have your childs affection and loyalties change; but my goal is to be very aware of every action and word that I do and say so that I don’t drive a wedge between me and my future children-in-law. “One of the great gifts a parent-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (Hart, 2001, p. 329). “Parents will do better to listen and not impose their opinions and feelings” (Hart, 2005, p. 329).

References

Ashton, M. J. (1973, October). He Took Him by the Hand. Retrieved March 28, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1973/10/he-took-him-by-the-hand?lang=eng

Hart, C. H., Harper, J. M., Olsen, S. F., (2005), Creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families. In Helping and healing our families: principles and practices inspired by the family: a proclamation to the world. (pp. 327-333). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Oxford English dictionary. (2009). Oxford: Oxford University Press.

WEEK 12- Transitions in Marriage: Power Relationships and Children

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has explained how their leadership successfully runs the affairs of the church. This explanation is a detailed description of how councils are run in the church.

• ·      Councils are always run from an agenda
• ·      This agenda is always given the evening before so thought can be given by the attendees
• ·      The people present express love for each other upon arrival at the meeting
• ·      They open with a prayer in which they ask the Holy Ghost to be present during their meeting
• ·      Each item on the agenda is addressed
• ·      People in attendance are able to express their thoughts and feelings on each matter
• ·      Each member tries to feel the Spirit about the item being discussed
• ·      When unity is being reached, a summary is given
• ·      If there is a need, there is further discussion and then the council votes on the matter
• ·      There must be complete harmony and unity with the vote for it to pass

Within this council there are some important lessons and principles that we can apply to our marriages and our families.

The brethren show love and concern for each member and we can do that within our marriages. We are told in the Doctrine and Covenants that “The decisions of these quorums . . . are to be made in all righteous, in holiness, and lowliness of heart, meekness and long suffering, and in faith, and virtue, and knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity” (D&C 107:30-31). This is a perfect description of how we should handle serious discussions and decisions that we have within our marriage.

The brethren practice proper communication. They handle each item on the agenda and they do so “efficiently and effectively” (Ballard, 2012, p. 51). “I have noticed that each of the brethren is not so much concerned with expressing his own point of view as he is with listening to the point of view of others and striving to create a proper climate in the council meeting” (Ballard, 2012, p. 51). They practice proper listening by making sure that they are not forming in their minds what they are going to say. Communication experts teach us that we are not to listen to respond but to listen to understand the others point of view. This is just as important in marriage where the person we are listening to is the most important person in our own plan of happiness.

Before the brethren implement any plan, they make sure that all attending the council are in agreement with the decision made; only then is there implementation. This does not mean that they do not have their individual opinions and ideas, because they do. It means that they have come to an agreement about what is best for the whole and what the Holy Ghost has told them is the correct decision. This is vital in our marriage councils. Both husband and wife must discuss their opinions and seek for the direction of the Holy Ghost and both members must be in agreement before implementation.

The reason we are to have councils within our marriages and also within our church are because they gives us, “ongoing solidarity and strength” (Ballard, 2012, p. 48). It gives us knowledge of the Lord. “If these things abound in them they shall not be unfruitful in the knowledge of the Lord” (D&C 107:31). Knowledge of Lord in any circumstance makes it better.

References

Ballard, M. R. (2012). Counseling with our councils: learning to minister together in the church and in the family. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Covey, S. R. (n.d.). Quote of Life, Inspiration and Motivation. Retrieved March, from http://www.inspirationboost.com/

Pratt, O. (2009). The Doctrine and Covenants of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: containing the revelations given to Joseph Smith, Jun., the prophet, for the building up of the Kingdom of God in the last days. LaVergne, TN.: Kessinger.

WEEK 11- Transitions in marriage: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

I have been married for almost 27 years. Like any marriage, we have had some really good times and some bad times as well. But through all of the good and the bad, there have been some precautions I have taken to safeguard my marriage from infidelity. I get along very well with men; while growing up, and through high school, most of my friends were boys. In fact, my best friend, Brady, is the one who introduced me to my husband. Very early in my marriage I set some boundaries for myself that I felt were important; not because I had a tendency to stray emotionally from my husband but because I instinctively felt it was right.

My rules-

1: Don’t ever discuss frustrations about my husband with a friend of the opposite sex.

2: Never have a confidant other than my husband.

I have discussed the boundaries that I set with my husband. I do not know if he has set these same rules for himself but I feel confident in knowing that he trusts me and I trust him.

There are many teachings by our leaders in the LDS faith that support my rules involving emotional intimacy. President Spencer W. Kimball taught, “infidelity is one of the greatest sins of our generation” (Kimball, 2006). And we learn from the story of Joseph and Potiphar’s wife that infidelity is not only a sin committed against our spouse but it is a “sin against God” (Genesis 39:9). Dr. Goddard said in his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, “Today Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of . . . friendship or helpfulness” (Goddard, 2009). Why is it such a big deal to be close friends with someone of the opposite gender? I don’t think it is a big deal, or bad, as long as your closest friend is your spouse. I consider Brady my very dear friend and in fact, when he had his stroke a few years back his wife called me to come see him in the hospital. But, my husband is my confidant and my best friend. I adore him above all others.

We have been taught from our leaders the reason it is inappropriate to let friendships and emotional attachments become too serious. It is inappropriate because it can lead to sexual infidelity. Also, “Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity. Each spouse takes the partner with the understanding that he or she gives totally to the spouse all the heart, strength, loyalty, honor and affection” (Goddard, 2009). This includes emotional and spiritual actions and thoughts as well as physical. “Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed” (Hunter, 1994). “If you are married, avoid flirtations of any kind . . . people rationalize by saying that these are natural expressions of friendship. But what may appear to be harmless teasing or simply having a little fun with someone of the opposite sex can easily lead to more serious involvement and eventual infidelity” (Benson, 1987).

Maybe you could come up with some of your own rules for your relationship to safeguard your marriage against emotional and spiritual infidelity.

Benson, E. T. (1987). The Law of Chastity. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/new-era/1988/01/the-law-of-chastity?lang=eng

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Hunter, H. W. (1994, October). Being a Righteous Husband and Father. Retrieved March 14, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/10/being-a-righteous-husband-and-father?lang=eng

Kimball, S. W. (2006). Teachings: Spencer W. Kimball. Retrieved March 14, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-spencer-w-kimball/chapter-1

WEEK 10- Seeking to Understand

In this post, unless otherwise noted, all quotes are from the book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD.

Think about your spouse and all of their traits. You can even list them. Now take an inventory of your list. Did you list mostly positive traits or mostly annoyances? “Humans do not find charity coming easily or automatically.” It seems with all our human interactions we have a tendency to focus on the negative and this happens in marriage also. But, “Negative reactions are a choice . . . we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way.”

I love a quote from Marvin J. Ashton. He says, “Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet.”

This is hard to do in our everyday interactions, but it is even harder to do with our family. Why is that? Goddard said, “Charity does not flow automatically from having an extraordinary spouse. It is primarily the result of the way we choose to see each other.”

What do you see when you look at this picture? Do you see a duck or a rabbit? It pretty much depends on which one you are focusing on. We can improve our marriages by focusing on the positive qualities of our spouse. In fact, we can improve all our interactions by focusing on the good of others. This is how we gain charity. The union of you and your spouse “that has been cemented between you” by a bond and a covenant will “be more secure when you forget to mention weaknesses and faults one of another.” Also, “How delightful is the company of . . . people who overlook trifles and keep their minds instinctively fixed on whatever is good and positive in the world about them?”

Every relationship experiences a hard time or two. “Somewhere along the way some challenge surfaces that seems insurmountable.” It is different for everyone. For my marriage, and me it was the rebellion, aggression, and anger of our teenage son. At the time this challenge seemed insurmountable and caused extreme stress and problems within our marriage. We survived this troubling time in our marriage but we could have experienced it in a more charitable way. “We simply will not survive and thrive in the challenges of marriage unless we take upon ourselves the mindset that Jesus had.” Jesus Christ always loves us and is always aware of our positive qualities and traits.

This week, every time your see your spouses, in fact every time you even think of your spouse, run through a list of the things you adore about him or her. Focus on the positive and have charity. 

References

Ashton, M. J. (1992, April). The Tongue Can Be a Sharp Sword. Retrieved March 10, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1992/04/the-tongue-can-be-a-sharp-sword?lang=eng

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.