WEEK 13- Transitions in Marriage: In-Law Relations

In the Old Testament, Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife.” In the New Testament in Mark 10:7-8 it says, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh.” 

Cleave is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as, “To remain attached, devoted, or faithful to.” This wise council usually isn’t hard for the love struck newlyweds but it can be hard for each of their parents. “Parents need to give up previous roles they had with their children to allow the new couple to be independent” (Hart, 2005, p. 329). When I married at a young age, I was dependent on my mother for emotional support during trials, but my parents were very aware of their boundaries and were very careful to encourage my new husband and I to turn toward one another. On the other hand, my in-laws had a tendency to overstep boundaries with decision-making, control, and influence. This was not a demand on our time but a demand on my husband’s loyalties. They wanted to maintain influence on their child.

At the time, I was not able to put words and specific thoughts to the problems we were encountering, I just knew I was upset and the emotions were very real.  For many years in our marriage I felt threatened. I felt very insecure because I was not the main person giving feedback on important decisions. At one point my in-laws even felt comfortable planning where we would live without consulting me. I also felt they were intrusive upon the labor and delivery of our first child. This was not the only emotional roadblock in the relationship between my parents-in-law and myself. I received some criticism about my parenting styles as well.

Elder Ashton said, “Certainly a now married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness protection comfort and total support but leaving father and mother . . . was never intended that they now be ignored abandoned shunned or deserted” (Ashton, 1973, p. 1). My husband is a peacemaker and this is one of the things that is endearing about him. I know it was a hard position for him and he felt torn trying to make all parties feel happy and secure. But, Elder Ashton went on to say, “Wise parents whose children have left to start their own families’ realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition but in love, concern, and encouragement” (Ashton, 1973, p.1).

My in laws had no idea what they were doing to me and they still do not understand the distress they caused me. I would have silly nightmares. Silly because dreams are usually unrealistic but nightmares because they were full of frustration, hurt and anger. In these dreams my husband would decide something of importance without my input and do as his parents instructed. I would angrily cry and say, “But I’m your wife!”

It has been many years since I experienced overstepping in-laws, but I still have feelings of resentment I am trying to overcome. I am emotionally distant from them. Once the wedge has been pounded in, it is harder to remove than one would think. A better choice is to not put a wedge in the relationship in the first place. “The husband needs to realize that strengthening his marriage and making certain that his wife feels secure with him is the biggest single thing he can do to help his wife and his mother develop a quality relationship” (Hart, 2005, p. 328).

I do not have married kids yet and I am sure it is hard to have your childs affection and loyalties change; but my goal is to be very aware of every action and word that I do and say so that I don’t drive a wedge between me and my future children-in-law. “One of the great gifts a parent-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (Hart, 2001, p. 329). “Parents will do better to listen and not impose their opinions and feelings” (Hart, 2005, p. 329).

References

Ashton, M. J. (1973, October). He Took Him by the Hand. Retrieved March 28, 2017, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1973/10/he-took-him-by-the-hand?lang=eng

Hart, C. H., Harper, J. M., Olsen, S. F., (2005), Creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families. In Helping and healing our families: principles and practices inspired by the family: a proclamation to the world. (pp. 327-333). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Oxford English dictionary. (2009). Oxford: Oxford University Press.