WEEK 5- Behaviors that negatively affect marriage

John M. Gottman is an accomplished and renowned social scientist that has added to the understanding of marriage and relationships through social science research. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he explains that friendship is an important and defining trait within a marriage. He says, “The simple truth (is) that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” He defines friendship as, “a mutual respect for the enjoyment of each others company.”

This definition can seem a little vague and I am left wishing I had more specifics so I can work on my own friendship with my spouse. Gottman then explains through an example. A couple that is very busy and doesn’t get to spend a lot of time together makes sure that the other knows of the deep concern and care by checking in during the day and remembering small but significant events that happen throughout the others day. His example also explains that the couple that has a strong friendship, know each other’s likes and dislikes (they know each other on an emotionally deeper level), and they want to do acts of kindness and service for their spouse throughout the day.

This friendship is so important because it is the lifeblood of the relationship. “Friendship fuels the flame of romance because if offers the best protection against feeling adversarial towards your spouse.” The couple’s friendship and service towards each other is not only in their actions but in their thoughts as well. The couple’s “positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.” We have been taught in our church that we need to show gratitude and that dwelling on what we are grateful for instead of what we don’t have is the way to happiness. This seems to me to be a spiritual way and a scientific way of saying the same thing. Focus on your spouse’s positive attributes and that is what you will see. Focus on their negative and that is what you will see. Professionals call this concept Positive Sentiment Override.

I am lucky enough to have an amazing husband who I adore. We have an amazing friendship and he follows all of these guidelines and has the attributes that Gottman taught in his book. I’ve seen it in my own marriage; being aware of the others feelings and showing concern and care through small acts of service really does show your spouse that you love them. It leads to a happy marriage! Focusing on your spouse’s strengths and constantly seeing their strengths really does lead to a happy marriage.

I think this week I am going to focus daily on my husbands endearing qualities and dismiss any negative thoughts that come. After all, it is February, the month of love.💗

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Crown .